1 00:00:03,593 --> 00:00:05,075 Shh! 2 00:00:05,131 --> 00:00:07,267 Do you hear that? I can't find my phone. 3 00:00:07,353 --> 00:00:09,251 I think it's coming from the fruit bowl. 4 00:00:12,989 --> 00:00:14,619 Oh, no. 5 00:00:18,602 --> 00:00:21,095 I've been doing sleep magic again. 6 00:00:21,564 --> 00:00:23,126 You look like you haven't slept at all. 7 00:00:23,212 --> 00:00:24,595 Maybe an hour or two a night. 8 00:00:24,681 --> 00:00:26,033 I've tried everything: 9 00:00:26,388 --> 00:00:28,681 warm shower before bed, meditation, 10 00:00:28,767 --> 00:00:31,080 reading my operating system's user agreement. 11 00:00:31,166 --> 00:00:33,247 Did you try asking Alex about the struggles that are unique 12 00:00:33,332 --> 00:00:34,376 to women in science? 13 00:00:34,479 --> 00:00:36,431 Late last night. I think she's still going. 14 00:00:36,565 --> 00:00:38,177 It's the worst possible timing. 15 00:00:38,363 --> 00:00:40,236 I have a video shoot for a big listing today, 16 00:00:40,322 --> 00:00:41,417 and I'm supposed to be on camera. 17 00:00:41,502 --> 00:00:42,549 I gotta go. 18 00:00:42,977 --> 00:00:44,697 Dad, your keys. 19 00:00:46,670 --> 00:00:48,628 You know what? I'lldrive. 20 00:00:50,427 --> 00:00:51,689 Good luck with your interview. 21 00:00:51,775 --> 00:00:54,494 Oh, you know what? I decided to pass on that. 22 00:00:54,752 --> 00:00:55,776 Why? 23 00:00:55,862 --> 00:00:58,345 That's an amazing job, and you were so excited. 24 00:00:58,431 --> 00:01:00,870 I think I was flattered. 25 00:01:00,956 --> 00:01:03,134 Like when you go to a bar and a guy sends you a drink. 26 00:01:03,220 --> 00:01:05,660 I'm at the leading scientific university in the country. 27 00:01:05,794 --> 00:01:07,841 Those guys can't even look their robotsin the eye. 28 00:01:07,927 --> 00:01:11,454 I was asked to interview for CEO of Uncle Ned's Cookies, 29 00:01:11,540 --> 00:01:13,973 a major player in the snack food industry. 30 00:01:14,059 --> 00:01:15,673 The position opened up because it turns out. 31 00:01:15,758 --> 00:01:18,009 Uncle Ned liked to play fast and loose with... 32 00:01:18,340 --> 00:01:20,079 his genitals at work. 33 00:01:20,267 --> 00:01:22,571 Mom, you need to take that interview. 34 00:01:22,667 --> 00:01:24,485 Now that they're purging male creeps 35 00:01:24,571 --> 00:01:25,876 from executive positions, 36 00:01:25,962 --> 00:01:29,098 strong women are finally getting their seat at the table. 37 00:01:29,184 --> 00:01:31,048 Honey, I already have a seat at the table. 38 00:01:31,134 --> 00:01:32,798 In fact, at the headof the table. 39 00:01:32,884 --> 00:01:34,192 You mean when Grandpa's not there? 40 00:01:34,277 --> 00:01:35,298 Tables have two heads. 41 00:01:35,384 --> 00:01:37,907 I'm only bringing out my trademark hard truths 42 00:01:37,993 --> 00:01:39,302 because I don't want you to pass up 43 00:01:39,387 --> 00:01:42,435 an amazing opportunity in deference to the patriarchy. 44 00:01:42,521 --> 00:01:45,439 Honey, I have a lot of amazing opportunities at my current job. 45 00:01:45,525 --> 00:01:47,751 And isn't Uncle Ned's basically just stoner food? 46 00:01:47,837 --> 00:01:48,985 We love Uncle Ned's! 47 00:01:49,071 --> 00:01:50,852 I miss those. 48 00:01:52,297 --> 00:01:54,114 Thank you for your concern, but I'll be fine. 49 00:01:54,201 --> 00:01:56,560 Maybe I'm just projecting my own frustrations 50 00:01:56,646 --> 00:01:57,911 with the science world. 51 00:01:58,005 --> 00:02:00,622 You know, there are only three female PhDs... 52 00:02:00,708 --> 00:02:03,349 Sweetheart, I'm sorry, but I have to stay alert. 53 00:02:12,875 --> 00:02:14,493 *MODERN FAMILY* 00:02:16,579 *MODERN FAMILY* Episode Title: "Red Alert" 55 00:02:17,937 --> 00:02:20,422 Lily, sweetie, open up. We're gonna be late for school. 56 00:02:20,508 --> 00:02:22,336 I'm not going! Leave me alone! 57 00:02:22,422 --> 00:02:23,454 Another meltdown. 58 00:02:23,540 --> 00:02:24,666 She's locked herself in the bathroom. 59 00:02:24,751 --> 00:02:26,447 Now don't you wish you'd let me build that outhouse? 60 00:02:26,532 --> 00:02:27,444 Still no. 61 00:02:27,530 --> 00:02:28,571 Hey, hey. 62 00:02:28,657 --> 00:02:30,282 W-What is going on with her? 63 00:02:30,379 --> 00:02:32,265 S-She's been so moody recently, 64 00:02:32,383 --> 00:02:34,112 screaming one minute, crying the next. 65 00:02:34,197 --> 00:02:35,133 You know what? 66 00:02:35,266 --> 00:02:36,835 I think I know what this might be. 67 00:02:36,921 --> 00:02:37,858 O-Oh? 68 00:02:37,944 --> 00:02:41,093 She had a volcano due in science class today, 69 00:02:41,179 --> 00:02:42,727 and when I was her age and had a big project, 70 00:02:42,812 --> 00:02:44,516 I'd get stressed out and act just like this. 71 00:02:44,601 --> 00:02:45,977 You know, I still have nightmares about 72 00:02:46,062 --> 00:02:47,577 my War of Northern Aggression diorama. 73 00:02:47,663 --> 00:02:49,171 Okay. What did we say when we got married? 74 00:02:49,256 --> 00:02:50,216 Never go to bed angry 75 00:02:50,301 --> 00:02:51,711 and you have to call it the Civil War. 76 00:02:51,796 --> 00:02:53,393 Okay, I'll go check and see how far she's gotten. 77 00:02:53,478 --> 00:02:56,296 Okay, Lily, honey, come on. Come out, all right? 78 00:02:56,382 --> 00:02:58,022 We can help you fix your volcano, 79 00:02:58,108 --> 00:02:59,890 and... and you'll still make it to school. 80 00:02:59,976 --> 00:03:00,929 Worst comes to worst, 81 00:03:01,015 --> 00:03:02,691 you'll be a little late for your first period. 82 00:03:02,776 --> 00:03:04,393 Actually, she's a little early. 83 00:03:04,479 --> 00:03:06,244 - Hm? - So... 84 00:03:06,330 --> 00:03:07,721 Lily is a menstruator now. 85 00:03:07,807 --> 00:03:08,729 That's not what you call it. 86 00:03:08,815 --> 00:03:10,049 Well, I'm just ashamed to admit 87 00:03:10,135 --> 00:03:11,589 that we never really prepared her for it. 88 00:03:11,674 --> 00:03:13,885 Hey, we tried that one time. 89 00:03:15,734 --> 00:03:17,458 Hey, girl. Hey! Hey! 90 00:03:17,544 --> 00:03:19,940 So, sweetie, Daddy and I were wondering if, 91 00:03:20,026 --> 00:03:21,943 now that you're wearing a training bra, 92 00:03:22,028 --> 00:03:25,207 if you had any other questions about your changing body. 93 00:03:25,292 --> 00:03:26,208 Can we just not? 94 00:03:26,293 --> 00:03:27,731 Sounds good. Yeah, perfect. 95 00:03:27,816 --> 00:03:29,385 I thought you were gonna ask Claire 96 00:03:29,470 --> 00:03:30,604 to talk to Lily about this. 97 00:03:30,689 --> 00:03:33,095 Well, I was, but when I tried, Claire was in such a mood, 98 00:03:33,181 --> 00:03:34,347 because, ironically... 99 00:03:34,432 --> 00:03:37,350 Okay, we can't screw this up. We cannot give her a complex. 100 00:03:37,435 --> 00:03:40,396 Okay, you see if you can track down Claire. 101 00:03:40,481 --> 00:03:41,615 I will go to the pharmacy 102 00:03:41,700 --> 00:03:44,226 and try and conquer my fear of the feminine care aisle. 103 00:03:44,311 --> 00:03:45,619 Poor Lily. 104 00:03:45,704 --> 00:03:46,850 You know, it could be worse. 105 00:03:46,936 --> 00:03:49,202 If she were a sheep, she'd be dealing with this every 17 days. 106 00:03:49,287 --> 00:03:51,530 Promise you won't say that while I'm gone. 107 00:03:52,913 --> 00:03:54,983 All right, let's try the swaddle again. 108 00:03:55,228 --> 00:03:57,058 Our blankets are folded into triangles, 109 00:03:57,144 --> 00:03:58,626 we do a left tuck, 110 00:03:58,712 --> 00:03:59,932 a toe tuck, 111 00:04:00,018 --> 00:04:01,163 a right tuck, 112 00:04:01,249 --> 00:04:03,233 and voilà, baby burrito. 113 00:04:03,319 --> 00:04:05,311 Ugh! How did you do yours?! 114 00:04:05,463 --> 00:04:07,467 I guess that summer working at Burrito Basement 115 00:04:07,553 --> 00:04:08,729 was worth the E. coli. 116 00:04:08,814 --> 00:04:11,210 Dylan and I have been taking a baby care class. 117 00:04:11,296 --> 00:04:13,663 It's frustrating, because even though he's missed some, 118 00:04:13,749 --> 00:04:14,795 he's crushing it. 119 00:04:14,950 --> 00:04:16,389 The class, not the practice doll. 120 00:04:16,474 --> 00:04:18,264 That was me. 121 00:04:18,690 --> 00:04:21,390 Let's move on. What else do we have to get down for today? 122 00:04:21,476 --> 00:04:22,983 - Burping. - Great! 123 00:04:23,069 --> 00:04:25,931 A bur-bur-burp. Boom. What's next? 124 00:04:26,017 --> 00:04:26,803 Hold on, Mom. 125 00:04:26,889 --> 00:04:28,400 Do you remember the four other methods 126 00:04:28,486 --> 00:04:29,920 in case over-the-shoulder doesn't work? 127 00:04:30,005 --> 00:04:32,342 Uh, was one scare 'em? 128 00:04:32,428 --> 00:04:33,561 There's over-the-lap, 129 00:04:33,758 --> 00:04:34,795 over-the-knee, 130 00:04:34,881 --> 00:04:36,663 Grandmother's burp, and the bounce burp. 131 00:04:36,749 --> 00:04:38,884 Ugh. Why do I suck at this? 132 00:04:39,027 --> 00:04:41,546 I know it's overwhelming, but you're gonna get there. 133 00:04:41,632 --> 00:04:43,071 Don't worry. 134 00:04:44,740 --> 00:04:46,569 Stop showing off. 135 00:04:47,430 --> 00:04:49,389 Oh, good. You're sitting down. 136 00:04:49,475 --> 00:04:50,444 We have a problem. 137 00:04:50,530 --> 00:04:53,272 I went on the company website, and somebody left off 138 00:04:53,358 --> 00:04:55,491 the brushed brass upgrade on the Executive Premiere. 139 00:04:55,577 --> 00:04:57,319 Oh, yeah. Yeah, I eighty-sixed that. 140 00:04:57,405 --> 00:04:58,583 I already signed off on it. 141 00:04:58,669 --> 00:05:00,320 They probably just wanted to double-check with me. 142 00:05:00,405 --> 00:05:02,670 You know, I do have 30 years' experience. 143 00:05:02,756 --> 00:05:05,313 Closet Time Magazine once called me. 144 00:05:05,399 --> 00:05:08,157 "The Neil Armstrong of the storage space race." 145 00:05:08,243 --> 00:05:10,009 Okay, Dad, you work two days a week, 146 00:05:10,095 --> 00:05:12,321 and you spent the entire last staff meeting 147 00:05:12,407 --> 00:05:13,399 doodling a pineapple. 148 00:05:13,485 --> 00:05:15,577 How about this... take the helm on the Berkshire line. 149 00:05:15,662 --> 00:05:16,735 I discontinued that. 150 00:05:16,821 --> 00:05:19,055 Yeah, but then Jeff cornered me in the men's room, 151 00:05:19,141 --> 00:05:20,048 and I relaunched it. 152 00:05:20,134 --> 00:05:23,313 Okay, Dad, you are putting me 153 00:05:23,446 --> 00:05:25,445 in an impossible position. 154 00:05:25,531 --> 00:05:28,319 I make decisions, and then you go around undermining them. 155 00:05:28,405 --> 00:05:30,765 Everybody values your opinions around here, Claire. 156 00:05:30,851 --> 00:05:32,637 In fact, I'd like your opinion right now. 157 00:05:32,723 --> 00:05:34,687 Does this look like an igloo? 158 00:05:36,063 --> 00:05:38,328 Uncle Ned's Cookies wants me to be their CEO. 159 00:05:38,413 --> 00:05:40,375 What?! You're considering Uncle Ned's?! 160 00:05:40,461 --> 00:05:41,725 Are you on reefer?! 161 00:05:41,811 --> 00:05:43,689 That company has tremendous growth potential. 162 00:05:43,775 --> 00:05:45,987 It's snacks! This is closets! 163 00:05:46,073 --> 00:05:47,667 You're already at the show! 164 00:05:47,753 --> 00:05:49,589 At least there, I can be the boss 165 00:05:49,675 --> 00:05:51,722 and not just the boss's daughter. 166 00:05:51,852 --> 00:05:53,769 Is this the part where I apologize 167 00:05:53,863 --> 00:05:55,026 for handing you a company. 168 00:05:55,112 --> 00:05:57,237 Closet Fancy once called "top shelf"?! 169 00:05:57,323 --> 00:05:59,846 No, this is the part where I take an interview 170 00:05:59,932 --> 00:06:03,280 with people who actually recognize my value! 171 00:06:04,804 --> 00:06:06,651 Damn whisper slides. 172 00:06:07,994 --> 00:06:09,581 Is Lily still in the bathroom? 173 00:06:09,713 --> 00:06:11,473 No, I used Larry's cat box for fun. 174 00:06:11,559 --> 00:06:13,135 - Ew! - Okay. 175 00:06:13,221 --> 00:06:15,135 Really? She needed all of this? 176 00:06:15,221 --> 00:06:16,581 It was totally overwhelming. 177 00:06:16,667 --> 00:06:18,280 I just... I just grabbed as much as I could. 178 00:06:18,365 --> 00:06:21,448 I have tampons, maxi pads, variety packs... 179 00:06:21,534 --> 00:06:22,752 Oh, and this thing called a Diva Cup, 180 00:06:22,837 --> 00:06:24,901 'cause, I don't know, sounded kind of cute. - Mm. 181 00:06:24,987 --> 00:06:26,495 So, what are we supposed to do? 182 00:06:26,581 --> 00:06:29,108 We can't just throw these boxes in there and wish her good luck. 183 00:06:29,598 --> 00:06:30,706 Oh, thank God. 184 00:06:30,792 --> 00:06:31,886 Is that Claire? Did you reach her? 185 00:06:31,971 --> 00:06:35,604 No, she wasn't answering, so I... I called for backup. 186 00:06:35,690 --> 00:06:38,018 Thank you for including me in this special time. 187 00:06:38,104 --> 00:06:40,990 I brought flowers because our Lily's blossoming! 188 00:06:41,076 --> 00:06:43,120 Well, we really appreciate you helping us out. 189 00:06:43,206 --> 00:06:44,377 Of course. 190 00:06:44,463 --> 00:06:46,721 This is when it's good to have a woman in the house. 191 00:06:46,807 --> 00:06:48,789 Not that two men raising a daughter 192 00:06:48,875 --> 00:06:50,948 is unnatural in any way. 193 00:06:51,034 --> 00:06:52,474 Pretty sure no one was thinking that. 194 00:06:53,180 --> 00:06:55,502 Sorry... I-I panicked and sent a group text 195 00:06:55,616 --> 00:06:57,463 because I didn't know who would respond. 196 00:06:57,549 --> 00:06:59,466 Hey. I brought Lily some pamphlets. 197 00:06:59,552 --> 00:07:01,252 Understanding the biology will help make her 198 00:07:01,337 --> 00:07:02,987 more comfortable with her menses. 199 00:07:03,081 --> 00:07:06,347 Mensies? How is that not a gay bar for little men? 200 00:07:06,451 --> 00:07:08,144 We should... We're not buying another domain name. 201 00:07:08,229 --> 00:07:10,018 She doesn't need pamphlets. 202 00:07:10,104 --> 00:07:11,581 She needs love and support. 203 00:07:11,667 --> 00:07:13,307 It's a beautiful rite of passage 204 00:07:13,393 --> 00:07:15,920 that is going to connect her with women everywhere. 205 00:07:16,006 --> 00:07:17,979 Let's not get poetic. It hurts like hell. 206 00:07:18,065 --> 00:07:20,292 And that's why I brought all the ingredients 207 00:07:20,378 --> 00:07:23,377 to make her a traditional Colombian period poultice, 208 00:07:23,463 --> 00:07:26,077 and she can rub it on her belly when she gets cramps. 209 00:07:26,163 --> 00:07:27,775 Or she could just take some ibuprofen. 210 00:07:27,861 --> 00:07:29,952 Oh, but is that going to draw out all of her sins? 211 00:07:30,038 --> 00:07:32,521 'Cause that's why women get their period in the first place. 212 00:07:32,607 --> 00:07:35,299 Okay, very helpful. Two equally worthy paths. 213 00:07:35,385 --> 00:07:37,253 Yeah, gotta say I'm leaning toward the pamphlet. 214 00:07:37,338 --> 00:07:38,823 Hey, how's Lily? 215 00:07:38,909 --> 00:07:40,237 Oh, great... More voices. 216 00:07:40,345 --> 00:07:41,666 - Where is she? - She's still locked 217 00:07:41,751 --> 00:07:42,737 - n the bathroom. - Damn it! 218 00:07:42,823 --> 00:07:45,268 I have two fetuses kicking me in the bladder, 219 00:07:45,385 --> 00:07:46,674 and I really have to pee! 220 00:07:46,760 --> 00:07:48,926 Okay, well, Larry's litter box is on the porch. 221 00:07:49,012 --> 00:07:50,802 She's pregnant! You can't ask her to go outside 222 00:07:50,887 --> 00:07:51,989 - and squat ov... - Be right back! 223 00:07:52,074 --> 00:07:53,426 Gross! 224 00:07:53,661 --> 00:07:55,692 You're not better than us, you know. 225 00:07:57,491 --> 00:07:58,934 Why do you think you're not sleeping? 226 00:07:59,020 --> 00:08:00,090 I don't know. 227 00:08:00,376 --> 00:08:02,076 I guess I got a lot on my mind. 228 00:08:02,162 --> 00:08:04,021 Bills, my one numb toe, 229 00:08:04,107 --> 00:08:05,670 is Haley gonna be a terrible mom, 230 00:08:05,756 --> 00:08:06,740 global warming... 231 00:08:06,825 --> 00:08:08,029 Back up, back up, back up. 232 00:08:08,115 --> 00:08:09,177 Which toe is numb? 233 00:08:09,263 --> 00:08:11,178 Left foot. The one that goes to market. 234 00:08:11,395 --> 00:08:13,256 And why are you worried about Haley? 235 00:08:13,396 --> 00:08:16,880 At her baby class, she did not seem ready. 236 00:08:17,294 --> 00:08:19,373 I'm kind of glad Dylan had to work today. 237 00:08:19,459 --> 00:08:20,952 I'm excited to see what you've learned. 238 00:08:21,037 --> 00:08:23,951 Okay, everybody. Quick review before we start. 239 00:08:24,037 --> 00:08:27,264 At what age can you first give babies solid food? 240 00:08:27,499 --> 00:08:28,732 - Six months. - Two years! 241 00:08:28,818 --> 00:08:31,443 And when you put baby down to sleep, you place him on his... 242 00:08:31,529 --> 00:08:32,756 - Back. - Mattress. 243 00:08:32,842 --> 00:08:34,693 And the fontanelle is... 244 00:08:34,779 --> 00:08:37,156 - Soft spot. - A hotel in Miami? 245 00:08:37,686 --> 00:08:39,984 Phil. You ready to sell a house? 246 00:08:40,070 --> 00:08:41,937 Yes. Yes. Let's do this. 247 00:08:42,023 --> 00:08:44,007 Uh, Desmond, this is my director, Luke. 248 00:08:44,093 --> 00:08:45,040 I'm your son. 249 00:08:45,126 --> 00:08:47,331 Aww. You always will be. 250 00:08:47,417 --> 00:08:48,531 Ohh! 251 00:08:49,624 --> 00:08:50,279 Dad. 252 00:08:50,365 --> 00:08:52,101 Desmond is the brains 253 00:08:52,187 --> 00:08:55,203 behind thebest high-end real-estate walkthrough videos. 254 00:08:55,289 --> 00:08:57,511 He's helped move more houses than, um... 255 00:08:57,663 --> 00:08:59,014 than, uh... 256 00:08:59,100 --> 00:09:00,460 What's the... What's the crack 257 00:09:00,546 --> 00:09:02,430 that... causes all the earthquakes? 258 00:09:02,516 --> 00:09:04,065 The San Andreas fault. 259 00:09:05,377 --> 00:09:06,902 That's funny. 260 00:09:07,129 --> 00:09:09,538 So, to recap our discussion, 261 00:09:09,914 --> 00:09:11,483 we'll start with the camera coming down the walk. 262 00:09:11,568 --> 00:09:15,052 You open the door, say "Welcome to 15683 Canyon Ridge Drive", 263 00:09:15,137 --> 00:09:17,707 a six-bedroom, seven-bathroom, 8,600 square-foot home 264 00:09:17,792 --> 00:09:19,742 "in the prestigious 90212 ZIP code." 265 00:09:19,828 --> 00:09:20,992 Ah.You got it? 266 00:09:21,078 --> 00:09:24,158 15683, 15683... 267 00:09:24,244 --> 00:09:25,127 I got it. 268 00:09:25,213 --> 00:09:27,179 Desmond: Good. Let's try one. 269 00:09:27,510 --> 00:09:28,774 Here we go. 270 00:09:28,929 --> 00:09:30,656 Ready, and... 271 00:09:30,742 --> 00:09:31,945 action. 272 00:09:32,091 --> 00:09:35,765 15683. 273 00:09:37,783 --> 00:09:39,352 Cut. Moving on? 274 00:09:39,522 --> 00:09:40,875 N-No. 275 00:09:41,137 --> 00:09:43,578 No, that wasn't right at all. 276 00:09:43,664 --> 00:09:45,070 Um... pretty sure it was. 277 00:09:45,156 --> 00:09:46,398 Phil. 278 00:09:46,484 --> 00:09:47,773 You've got to do the whole thing. 279 00:09:47,859 --> 00:09:48,961 Oh. 280 00:09:49,047 --> 00:09:50,765 Oh, yes. Yeah, of course. 281 00:09:50,851 --> 00:09:51,898 Yeah. 282 00:09:51,984 --> 00:09:52,941 All right. 283 00:09:53,027 --> 00:09:54,390 Back to one. 284 00:09:55,234 --> 00:09:56,953 Ready, and... 285 00:09:57,473 --> 00:09:58,691 action. 286 00:10:04,273 --> 00:10:05,450 Thank you. 287 00:10:05,536 --> 00:10:07,742 Claire! Thanks for coming in. 288 00:10:07,828 --> 00:10:09,414 I'm Ben. This is my brother, Evan. 289 00:10:09,500 --> 00:10:10,198 Hi. 290 00:10:10,284 --> 00:10:11,390 Our dad's Uncle Ned. 291 00:10:11,476 --> 00:10:12,957 But we just call him Dad. 292 00:10:13,089 --> 00:10:14,658 We are so happy you're here. 293 00:10:14,744 --> 00:10:16,871 Well, thank you so much for having me. 294 00:10:16,957 --> 00:10:19,855 And can I say... It smells amazing in here! 295 00:10:19,976 --> 00:10:21,588 It's the cookies. 296 00:10:21,827 --> 00:10:22,897 Yeah. 297 00:10:23,023 --> 00:10:24,492 We are so very impressed 298 00:10:24,578 --> 00:10:27,090 with what your closet company has done, fiscally speaking. 299 00:10:27,176 --> 00:10:29,871 Well, to be fair, my dad is the one who built the business. 300 00:10:29,957 --> 00:10:31,221 We can relate to that. 301 00:10:31,307 --> 00:10:32,571 But we mean since youjoined. 302 00:10:32,657 --> 00:10:35,140 Many people are saying that's when it really took off. 303 00:10:35,226 --> 00:10:37,691 It is so nice to be recognized. 304 00:10:37,777 --> 00:10:41,044 I... I see tremendous growth potential in this company. 305 00:10:41,173 --> 00:10:42,262 We think so. 306 00:10:42,348 --> 00:10:44,701 That is, with the right captain steering the ship, 307 00:10:44,787 --> 00:10:46,181 fiscally speaking. 308 00:10:46,267 --> 00:10:50,339 Which is why we're prepared to offer you a big salary, 309 00:10:50,432 --> 00:10:51,628 stock stuff... 310 00:10:51,714 --> 00:10:53,934 And all the cookies you can eat. 311 00:10:54,628 --> 00:10:58,009 I didn't expect this to be going so fast. Um... 312 00:10:58,095 --> 00:11:00,113 Well, we're kind of on a clock. 313 00:11:00,199 --> 00:11:03,222 You see, the IRS has called some of our bookkeeping... 314 00:11:03,504 --> 00:11:05,152 "flagrantly illegal." 315 00:11:05,238 --> 00:11:06,459 How could that happen? 316 00:11:06,545 --> 00:11:09,144 We were hoping youcould tell us. 317 00:11:09,506 --> 00:11:11,206 We don't know anything about business. 318 00:11:11,300 --> 00:11:12,651 - Fiscally speaking? - Yeah. 319 00:11:12,737 --> 00:11:13,777 - Mm. - Exactly. 320 00:11:13,863 --> 00:11:15,344 That was kind of our dad's thing. 321 00:11:15,429 --> 00:11:19,264 Also, making them, selling them, all that other stuff. 322 00:11:19,456 --> 00:11:22,767 Just to be clear, what are your roles here? 323 00:11:22,869 --> 00:11:24,870 We used to taste the cookies, 324 00:11:24,956 --> 00:11:26,956 but now we're chairmen of the board. 325 00:11:27,540 --> 00:11:28,572 I see. 326 00:11:28,658 --> 00:11:30,855 As such, we are legally bound to mention 327 00:11:30,941 --> 00:11:33,160 a little situation we have with the FDA. 328 00:11:33,246 --> 00:11:34,566 Thanks to Evan, 329 00:11:34,652 --> 00:11:37,553 we keep failing something called the "hairs-per-million test." 330 00:11:37,647 --> 00:11:41,066 And due to the videotaped evidence against our father, 331 00:11:41,152 --> 00:11:43,917 we need a highly qualified woman such as yourself 332 00:11:44,003 --> 00:11:46,308 to testify in front of Congress. 333 00:11:46,665 --> 00:11:47,761 Hmm. 334 00:11:47,847 --> 00:11:50,728 Uh... guys, this is a lot to take in. 335 00:11:51,406 --> 00:11:54,206 Well, I think we know what that means. 336 00:11:54,355 --> 00:11:55,385 Yeah. 337 00:11:55,535 --> 00:11:57,268 Welcome to Uncle Ned's. 338 00:12:02,609 --> 00:12:05,844 Whether you're a bachelor, a couple, or a flamily... 339 00:12:05,930 --> 00:12:08,144 "Flamily"... I just said "flamily." 340 00:12:09,405 --> 00:12:10,785 Wait, is it "flamily"? 341 00:12:10,871 --> 00:12:11,923 All right. 342 00:12:12,009 --> 00:12:13,386 Let's just take it from, 343 00:12:13,472 --> 00:12:16,674 "This is modern California living at its finest." 344 00:12:16,871 --> 00:12:18,637 And action. 345 00:12:18,808 --> 00:12:22,018 This is modern California living at its finest. 346 00:12:22,196 --> 00:12:23,812 Stop! You're doing the British accent again. 347 00:12:23,897 --> 00:12:26,167 I'm not hearing it! 348 00:12:26,253 --> 00:12:27,502 And action. 349 00:12:27,601 --> 00:12:29,801 You'll have state-of-the-art... 350 00:12:30,236 --> 00:12:31,684 appliances... 351 00:12:32,020 --> 00:12:33,887 I'm sorry. I got this. 352 00:12:40,140 --> 00:12:42,507 Imagine life from this perspective. 353 00:12:42,695 --> 00:12:44,195 That thing is gonna hit me! 354 00:12:44,281 --> 00:12:47,148 And best of all, the entire house is fully automated. 355 00:12:47,234 --> 00:12:50,135 You can turn on the gorgeous fountains right from your phone. 356 00:12:51,736 --> 00:12:53,369 Shoot. They're not working. 357 00:12:53,659 --> 00:12:55,612 Hey, I can feel my toe! 358 00:12:55,940 --> 00:12:59,159 And this one is about hormonal fluctuations 359 00:12:59,245 --> 00:13:01,515 that can cause radical mood swings. 360 00:13:01,601 --> 00:13:04,268 One minute, you're totally fine, and then the next, 361 00:13:04,354 --> 00:13:06,004 - you're just... - Go home, nerd! 362 00:13:07,107 --> 00:13:08,706 lashing out when someone is trying to help you. 363 00:13:08,775 --> 00:13:09,964 Okay, well, thank you for helping, 364 00:13:10,049 --> 00:13:11,026 and don't take it personally. 365 00:13:11,112 --> 00:13:13,128 At least now we know why she called my signature cuffs 366 00:13:13,213 --> 00:13:15,073 tackier than the Debbie Reynolds museum. 367 00:13:15,215 --> 00:13:17,181 Y-Yes, that was definitely the hormones talking. 368 00:13:17,250 --> 00:13:19,884 Look, everyone's taking this whole thing way too seriously. 369 00:13:19,986 --> 00:13:21,452 When my daughter has her first Shark Week, 370 00:13:21,521 --> 00:13:22,887 we're just gonna laugh about it. 371 00:13:22,989 --> 00:13:24,088 That's what girls want. 372 00:13:24,174 --> 00:13:25,401 I mean, it is bananas 373 00:13:25,487 --> 00:13:26,816 what happens down there every month. 374 00:13:26,901 --> 00:13:29,190 Only good thing is, it reminds me to pay my bills. 375 00:13:29,429 --> 00:13:31,541 Oh, that's why my credit card keeps getting denied. 376 00:13:31,627 --> 00:13:33,557 Hey, if there's somewhere you need to be... 377 00:13:33,643 --> 00:13:35,099 - Just watch this. - Mm. 378 00:13:37,478 --> 00:13:39,479 - Hey, bitch. - Haley's here?! 379 00:13:39,565 --> 00:13:41,018 That's right. And cheer up. 380 00:13:41,104 --> 00:13:43,229 You're missing the whole silver lining in all of this. 381 00:13:43,315 --> 00:13:45,690 A period is a Get Out Of Jail Free card 382 00:13:45,776 --> 00:13:47,588 for everything. 383 00:13:47,681 --> 00:13:48,813 Didn't study for a test? 384 00:13:48,882 --> 00:13:50,748 "Oh, wah. I have cramps." 385 00:13:50,858 --> 00:13:52,244 Don't want to go to gym class? 386 00:13:52,330 --> 00:13:54,002 "Sorry... lady problems." 387 00:13:54,088 --> 00:13:56,447 Wanna eat a whole sheet cake? Shut down a bad date? 388 00:13:56,533 --> 00:13:58,495 Smuggle some weed into a concert in your tampon box? 389 00:13:58,580 --> 00:13:59,706 Ain't nobody looking in there. 390 00:13:59,791 --> 00:14:01,059 What is wrong with you?! 391 00:14:01,161 --> 00:14:03,229 That's the advice you want to give your daughter?! 392 00:14:03,315 --> 00:14:04,854 I know! I'm a disaster! 393 00:14:04,940 --> 00:14:08,057 How am I going to be a mother? I can't even make a swaddle! 394 00:14:08,168 --> 00:14:10,416 I'm gonna raise a couple losers, just like me! 395 00:14:10,533 --> 00:14:12,434 It's not your fault, you sweet dummies! 396 00:14:12,854 --> 00:14:14,072 Lily! 397 00:14:14,174 --> 00:14:15,971 Oh, my God. You too? 398 00:14:16,057 --> 00:14:18,354 I made you a Colombian poultice. 399 00:14:18,478 --> 00:14:20,645 Is that what stinks? It's making me sick! 400 00:14:20,747 --> 00:14:22,313 We're gonna rub it all over your belly, 401 00:14:22,415 --> 00:14:23,665 and it's gonna make you feel better. 402 00:14:23,750 --> 00:14:26,994 It's also not terrible on toast with a fried egg. 403 00:14:27,159 --> 00:14:28,453 How many people are out there?! 404 00:14:28,555 --> 00:14:30,541 Just a few supportive women. 405 00:14:30,627 --> 00:14:31,860 Hello, sisters. 406 00:14:31,986 --> 00:14:33,713 I must've texted the wrong thread. 407 00:14:33,799 --> 00:14:35,727 Allow me to talk to the Earth Goddess. 408 00:14:35,829 --> 00:14:36,971 U-Um... 409 00:14:37,111 --> 00:14:39,831 Lily? Step-Uncle Manny's here. 410 00:14:39,933 --> 00:14:41,065 Cherish this. 411 00:14:41,167 --> 00:14:43,568 You've been given the ability to create life. 412 00:14:43,670 --> 00:14:46,270 Each cramp, each migraine should remind you... 413 00:14:46,373 --> 00:14:48,539 Get the **** out of here, Manny! 414 00:14:50,221 --> 00:14:51,421 Take care, everybody. 415 00:14:51,507 --> 00:14:53,846 - Yeah. - Mm-hmm. 416 00:14:54,813 --> 00:14:56,705 Claire, get in here. 417 00:14:57,581 --> 00:14:59,388 How'd the interview go? 418 00:14:59,474 --> 00:15:00,641 Amazing. 419 00:15:00,727 --> 00:15:03,261 First of all, that place smells delicious. 420 00:15:03,430 --> 00:15:05,397 They made me an offer on the spot. 421 00:15:05,499 --> 00:15:07,627 CEO, travel... 422 00:15:07,902 --> 00:15:09,690 hobnobbing with Congressmen. 423 00:15:09,776 --> 00:15:11,209 Well, I'm not surprised. 424 00:15:11,295 --> 00:15:12,916 You're a terrific candidate. 425 00:15:14,074 --> 00:15:15,307 I turned them down. 426 00:15:15,432 --> 00:15:16,524 Why? 427 00:15:16,610 --> 00:15:18,844 Well, first of all, because I made a commitment 428 00:15:18,913 --> 00:15:20,212 to everyone here and to you. 429 00:15:20,314 --> 00:15:23,482 And it just... didn't feel right to leave. 430 00:15:23,658 --> 00:15:26,205 That makes what I'm about to say awkward. 431 00:15:26,813 --> 00:15:27,986 I'm quitting. 432 00:15:28,072 --> 00:15:30,362 Oh, wha... You're that mad at me? 433 00:15:30,457 --> 00:15:32,775 No, I listened to what you said, 434 00:15:32,927 --> 00:15:34,650 and you're never truly gonna be in charge 435 00:15:34,736 --> 00:15:36,136 until I get out of your way. 436 00:15:36,263 --> 00:15:37,564 You didn't have to do that for me. 437 00:15:37,649 --> 00:15:38,781 I didn't do it just for you. 438 00:15:38,867 --> 00:15:40,850 Every good closet man knows when to hang it up. 439 00:15:40,944 --> 00:15:43,585 And I... I think I'm ready for a new challenge. 440 00:15:43,671 --> 00:15:45,470 Oh, Dad, not window tinting. 441 00:15:45,539 --> 00:15:48,686 It's like printing money, but no, it's not for me. 442 00:15:48,771 --> 00:15:50,371 Here's what I'm excited about. 443 00:15:50,578 --> 00:15:52,311 Let me show you. Mm. 444 00:15:54,021 --> 00:15:55,396 What am I looking at? 445 00:15:55,482 --> 00:15:56,648 The future. 446 00:15:56,717 --> 00:15:58,460 Fun dog beds. 447 00:15:58,752 --> 00:16:01,253 Oh, my God. This is the pineapple you were doodling. 448 00:16:01,355 --> 00:16:03,288 Yes! I designed it myself! 449 00:16:03,390 --> 00:16:05,057 Cool. Cool. 450 00:16:05,159 --> 00:16:06,462 So, the pharmacy tracks 451 00:16:06,548 --> 00:16:07,929 how all of your medications interact, right? 452 00:16:08,014 --> 00:16:09,711 Claire, every year, 453 00:16:09,797 --> 00:16:13,632 people in this country spend $70 billion on their pets. 454 00:16:13,734 --> 00:16:15,000 People or just you? 455 00:16:15,069 --> 00:16:16,401 I got a manufacturer lined up. 456 00:16:16,470 --> 00:16:18,303 I'll sell them online, keep the overhead low, 457 00:16:18,372 --> 00:16:20,153 go to a bunch of dog shows... super fun. 458 00:16:20,239 --> 00:16:23,224 And if I don't lose all the money that I made 459 00:16:23,310 --> 00:16:25,474 selling my share of this place, 460 00:16:25,795 --> 00:16:26,928 I'm happy. 461 00:16:27,014 --> 00:16:28,114 Wow. 462 00:16:28,215 --> 00:16:30,036 It's kind of the end of an era, huh? 463 00:16:30,767 --> 00:16:32,534 Are you sure you want to do this? 464 00:16:32,620 --> 00:16:34,920 I'd have quit years ago if you weren't here. 465 00:16:35,772 --> 00:16:37,724 It's gonna be weird coming to work without you. 466 00:16:37,825 --> 00:16:39,091 Well, if you miss me too much, 467 00:16:39,159 --> 00:16:42,427 there'll always be a position for you at Dog Beds by Stella. 468 00:16:42,496 --> 00:16:44,662 Thank you, but I think maybe it is time 469 00:16:44,748 --> 00:16:45,951 I prove myself on my own. 470 00:16:46,037 --> 00:16:47,967 You sure? 'Cause this could be huge. 471 00:16:48,077 --> 00:16:50,068 I got a million dog-bed ideas. 472 00:16:50,170 --> 00:16:52,647 I got a hot-dog bun, I got a space capsule, 473 00:16:52,733 --> 00:16:53,999 I got an igloo. 474 00:16:54,085 --> 00:16:56,248 What about one shaped like a dog bone? 475 00:16:56,971 --> 00:16:57,971 You'll get there. 476 00:17:01,966 --> 00:17:03,557 Hey, how's Lily doing? 477 00:17:03,643 --> 00:17:06,143 Well, I certainly didn't help. I only made it worse. 478 00:17:06,229 --> 00:17:08,432 What am I gonna do when our kids need me? 479 00:17:08,518 --> 00:17:09,817 You're overthinking it. 480 00:17:09,903 --> 00:17:12,065 The minute you see a sweet little face that needs you, 481 00:17:12,151 --> 00:17:14,354 your instincts will kick in, and you'll know what to do. 482 00:17:14,440 --> 00:17:15,910 That's what everybody keeps saying, 483 00:17:15,996 --> 00:17:17,604 but what if it's not true? 484 00:17:19,557 --> 00:17:20,722 Hey, Mr. D. 485 00:17:20,808 --> 00:17:22,526 - Hey. - Are you okay? 486 00:17:22,628 --> 00:17:24,595 I haven't slept for days, 487 00:17:24,681 --> 00:17:26,729 and I screwed up at work today. 488 00:17:26,815 --> 00:17:29,221 Oh, I'm sure it's not as bad as you think. 489 00:17:29,307 --> 00:17:31,948 Well, the cameraman called it "Disaster-piece Theatre," 490 00:17:32,034 --> 00:17:33,578 and everybody was like, "Good one, Craig." 491 00:17:33,647 --> 00:17:36,415 And you know what? It was. It was a good one, Craig. 492 00:17:36,483 --> 00:17:37,776 Hey, it's okay. 493 00:17:37,862 --> 00:17:39,393 I had to rehire the crew 494 00:17:39,479 --> 00:17:41,186 to shoot the whole thing again tomorrow. 495 00:17:41,255 --> 00:17:42,254 I'm way over budget. 496 00:17:42,340 --> 00:17:43,394 I'm probably gonna lose the listing... 497 00:17:43,479 --> 00:17:44,645 Shh. 498 00:17:44,858 --> 00:17:46,358 You're just overtired. 499 00:17:46,427 --> 00:17:48,126 Why don't you close your eyes? 500 00:17:48,228 --> 00:17:49,961 Dylan, make some white noise. 501 00:17:50,064 --> 00:17:52,745 I am going to try something. 502 00:17:52,831 --> 00:17:54,064 Oh. That's nice. 503 00:18:01,875 --> 00:18:03,008 Honey. 504 00:18:03,110 --> 00:18:04,922 You're getting really good at this. 505 00:18:05,124 --> 00:18:06,423 You think so? 506 00:18:06,563 --> 00:18:07,891 I do. 507 00:18:08,215 --> 00:18:09,406 Thanks. 508 00:18:09,811 --> 00:18:12,245 All right. You just rest now. 509 00:18:12,331 --> 00:18:14,298 Everything's gonna be okay. 510 00:18:14,384 --> 00:18:16,918 Yeah. It is. 511 00:18:17,101 --> 00:18:19,399 Can I stop now? I'm gonna pass out. 512 00:18:23,030 --> 00:18:25,364 We could just pick the lock and get her out of there. 513 00:18:25,432 --> 00:18:27,199 And then what? She doesn't want to talk to us. 514 00:18:27,267 --> 00:18:29,916 She never wants to talk to us. That hasn't stopped us before. 515 00:18:30,002 --> 00:18:31,025 We're only letting it now 516 00:18:31,111 --> 00:18:32,454 because we're uncomfortable, right? 517 00:18:32,539 --> 00:18:33,588 Obviously, you're right. 518 00:18:33,674 --> 00:18:36,189 Why else would I be devouring Gloria's poultice? 519 00:18:36,472 --> 00:18:37,505 You know what? 520 00:18:37,939 --> 00:18:40,080 Come on. We're her dads. 521 00:18:40,166 --> 00:18:41,498 We'll figure something out. 522 00:18:41,744 --> 00:18:43,119 Hey, honey? 523 00:18:43,578 --> 00:18:44,744 Everyone's gone. 524 00:18:44,918 --> 00:18:46,518 And we're sorry we embarrassed you. 525 00:18:46,620 --> 00:18:49,236 We should've never included all those people into... 526 00:18:49,556 --> 00:18:50,922 this situation. 527 00:18:50,991 --> 00:18:53,258 And just because we're boys doesn't mean we... 528 00:18:53,327 --> 00:18:54,963 we can't talk you through your first... 529 00:18:55,049 --> 00:18:57,424 "sloughing off of your endometrial tissue." 530 00:18:57,510 --> 00:18:59,847 Yeah, "which typically lasts between two and..." 531 00:18:59,933 --> 00:19:01,689 - seven days"? - Seven? 532 00:19:01,775 --> 00:19:03,455 - Oh, my God. - That's crazy. 533 00:19:03,541 --> 00:19:06,236 Look, Lily, your whole life, it's been... 534 00:19:06,373 --> 00:19:09,374 it's been the three of us figuring out stuff together. 535 00:19:09,483 --> 00:19:12,084 Yeah, don't you remember in the... in the second grade, 536 00:19:12,179 --> 00:19:15,603 when you came home crying because Julie Kwan made fun 537 00:19:15,689 --> 00:19:18,350 of your Ricky Martin "She Bangs" lunch box? 538 00:19:18,445 --> 00:19:20,285 You didn't want to talk about that, but then, 539 00:19:20,387 --> 00:19:23,189 when you finally did, you felt better. 540 00:19:23,329 --> 00:19:25,407 Yeah, you... you don't have to figure this out alone. 541 00:19:25,492 --> 00:19:28,384 Yeah, we may not have gone through the exact same thing, 542 00:19:28,470 --> 00:19:30,327 but, you know, in the seventh grade, 543 00:19:30,413 --> 00:19:32,113 our bodies started changing, too. 544 00:19:32,199 --> 00:19:33,331 Sixth for me. 545 00:19:33,434 --> 00:19:34,634 It's not a competition. 546 00:19:34,720 --> 00:19:36,697 And those changes... 547 00:19:37,237 --> 00:19:38,403 they were confusing. 548 00:19:38,505 --> 00:19:41,139 Yeah, they were con... confusing and scary 549 00:19:41,225 --> 00:19:43,017 and also, um... 550 00:19:43,367 --> 00:19:46,197 exciting because, um... 551 00:19:46,584 --> 00:19:49,030 you're growing up... Lily. 552 00:19:49,116 --> 00:19:50,486 And we're your parents, okay? 553 00:19:50,572 --> 00:19:51,612 We are gonna make mistakes, 554 00:19:51,697 --> 00:19:53,919 and we are not gonna have all the answers, 555 00:19:54,021 --> 00:19:56,674 but when you do want to talk about it, 556 00:19:57,298 --> 00:19:59,088 we're... we're here for you. 557 00:19:59,291 --> 00:20:00,490 Yeah. 558 00:20:00,584 --> 00:20:01,917 We love you. 559 00:20:09,784 --> 00:20:12,447 Uh-oh. Here comes The Great Snoozedini. 560 00:20:12,533 --> 00:20:15,283 You see before you three ordinary cups. 561 00:20:15,377 --> 00:20:17,533 Cups you'd find in any kitchen. 562 00:20:17,619 --> 00:20:19,384 Nothing magical about them. 563 00:20:19,577 --> 00:20:21,752 Here, we have one new potato. 564 00:20:21,861 --> 00:20:24,783 Keep your eye on the cup with the potato. 565 00:20:28,075 --> 00:20:30,666 Anybody here from out of town? 566 00:20:30,752 --> 00:20:32,517 I feel bad. Should we wake him up? 567 00:20:32,603 --> 00:20:34,796 Not until we find out where the potato is. 568 00:20:34,882 --> 00:20:36,142 It's under that one, right? 569 00:20:36,228 --> 00:20:38,134 Is the potato here? 570 00:20:38,828 --> 00:20:40,753 Is the potato here? 571 00:20:41,181 --> 00:20:42,212 Ohh. 572 00:20:42,298 --> 00:20:44,431 This trick's a real... 573 00:20:44,580 --> 00:20:45,980 lemon. 574 00:20:47,547 --> 00:20:49,244 Good night, everyone. 575 00:20:51,889 --> 00:20:53,174 Amazing!